Big Risks & Breadcrumbs

When I was a teen, I wanted to go to college and study art, but I lacked the confidence to do it. I remember taking my portfolio of high school work to one of the universities I had applied to. I can't remember much about showing my work to the group of professors. What I do remember is seeing artwork by other students displayed on the college walls and thinking, "I don't belong here."

How terribly sad. The feeling of not belonging can wreak havoc for a person's sense of worthiness. And it did mine for decades.

The church I was a part of gave me a sense of belonging. I think that is why it appealed to so many people. There have been many tragedies from my time in that toxic church, but this one tops the list for me. The feeling of belonging and the sense of community that I experienced trumped the red flags I knew were there.

One of those red flags was the pressure I felt to deny and ignore that creative part of me. One of the main teachings of this church (which unfortunately isn’t uncommon for many evangelical churches), was the belief that I needed to prove my worthiness as a daughter of god by denying the parts of me that brought me the most joy…the very qualities, hopes and dreams that was most tied to who I was and what I wanted for myself.

Instead of celebrating and nurturing the very thing that “god” gave me, I was forced to deny it completely to prove myself worthy enough to belong. Can anyone else relate?

THIS is why creating art means so much to me now. THIS is why making the decision to start my fledgling art business this year is so miraculous. THIS is why investing the time and money into my art business is a momentous leap of incredible faith. THIS is why launching my website and putting so much into my online pop-up means so damn much to me.

It’s because I had to work through layers of doubt, disbelief, unworthiness, lack, insecurity, false teaching, manipulation, control and more. I had to reconnect to the very thing that gave me positive energy, that which truly lights me up, that thing that I was made to believe I had to sacrifice.

I could not have done this on my own, or at least, it would have taken decades to undo what I’ve been able to undo in only a few years. I could not have chiseled away at all of those old, unhelpful and damaging beliefs without the powerful work I did in coaching. Yes, it was painful. Yes, there were tears- many, many tears. It took consistent work and processing in coaching to rebuild the new, more accurate beliefs I now have (and am still strengthening). And, I’m not done.

I am still growing my confidence. It’s scary to put my work out there for others to view and judge. It is nerve-wracking to make content for social media. It’s terrifying to walk into a shop and ask them to purchase your work for their store. (It’s also pretty exhilarating!) It’s grueling to apply for grants and submit artwork to juried events, knowing your fate (on whether or not you are accepted) is in the hands of the critics who are judging your work.

But, I am here. I’m doing it. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. Sometimes, I downplay huge victories simply because I’m afraid. Afraid these moments won’t last. Afraid of judgment. Afraid I’ll jinx it. Afraid I won’t belong. Stepping out and doing the thing that feels most “like you” can be terrifying at first. It means I’m risking rejection and not belonging. But it also means I’m risking acceptance and finding those with whom I can truly belong because I am being more myself than ever before.

And I think that is worth the risk.

So, dear Reader, what is the “big risk” for you? Whatever it is, I want you to know that you are not alone, even if it feels incredibly isolating. (That’s the big lie. Don’t fall for it!) When you’re ready, reach out. Let’s connect. I’d love to hear from you. I’d be honored to be your sounding board and maybe one of your cheerleaders, while you take your own baby steps of risk in order to follow the breadcrumbs of what truly lights you up.

You are worth the risk. Always.